The Hero Within Karen Hall

Why It’s So Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship; Reflections on Surviving Kidnapping and Escaping the Clutches of a Narcissistic Sociopath with Kristi Christensen

• Karen Hall • Season 1 • Episode 56

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Ever wonder why victims of abuse often remain with their abusers? The answer may lie in an insidious psychological phenomenon known as trauma bonds. We discuss research and Patrick Carnes' book, "Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships." These unhealthy emotional ties, forged in fear and a primal need to survive, can be incredibly difficult to break. Join us as we shed light on their chilling formation, from the manipulative love-bombing stage to the point where the bond solidifies. Explore the primitive parts of our nervous system at play and delve into the compelling dynamics that drive victims of abuse deeper into these bonds.

This episode also brings the abuse cycle, cognitive dissonance, and the concept of intermittent positive reinforcement under the microscope. Armed with insights from Lundy Bancroft's enlightening book 'Why Does He Do That?', we navigate the baffling mood changes of the abuser and the consequent emotional turmoil faced by the victim. From feelings of low self-esteem to fear of retribution, we examine the daunting barriers that make breaking free a Herculean task. Look out for signs that might indicate you or someone you know is caught in a trauma bond and understand the abuse of power that often lurks within these relationships.

But there's always a way out. In the final leg of this episode, we focus on strategies to shatter these toxic bonds. Through establishing a safety plan, setting boundaries, and seeking support, victims can reclaim their lives from the clutches of abuse. Listen to the heartening story of Christy Christensen, who bravely managed to sever her trauma bond. Remember, it is possible to break free and start anew - tune in, find hope, and heal with us on the Hero Within podcast.

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Wishing you lots of love on your own hero’s journey,
xoxo, Karen

Thanks so much for listening!  Please share this episode with your loved ones and spread the love to bless others!
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Podcast: The Hero Within Podcast

Connect with Kristi Christensen

Kristi states, "I was born to an empath and a narcissist/sociopath, and my mother tried to kill my dad and he had my mom committed.  They both lost custody and I lived in a foster home for a year.  Then my mother won custody and was going to move to Japan so my dad kidnapped me and my brother for 6 years.  The FBI found us in the Ozarks in 1995 in a survivalist situation and returned us to our mother.  Eight years later, the cops removed me from the home when my mom attacked me viciously and I was homeless for a year.  I married and divorced 4 times from age 18-24 and the last marriage was super abusive.  He is a super rich rancher in a small town in Utah."  She  divorced and is in the middle of legal battles for custody of her 2 children.

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Speaker 1:

Hey there, welcome back. I'm Karen Hall, your host of the Hero Within podcast. I'm passionate about sharing inspiring true stories of unsung heroes who've overcome some of life's most challenging adversities. Come along with me and learn how you too can find hope and healing to return to love. You've heard of women who've been through terrible abuse, yet they don't leave their abuser. Sometimes these women end up being killed and the question is often asked why didn't they leave? Often there are earlier documented police reports of prior abuse and the question remains what caused them to stay?

Speaker 1:

There are many reasons why a victim would stay. One reason is because of the bond that develops between an abuser and the victim. But wait, wouldn't most people want to get away as fast as possible when they are abused, and doesn't abuse damage the bond between two people and make it easier for the victim to leave. Logically, one would think that if you're being abused by someone and they've traumatized you, you'd recognize a red flag and you'd hightail it out of there. While this is true in some cases, in other cases there is much more going on and it can defy logic. There are many reasons why the victim stays and a complex emotional attachment or bond develops out of fear, terror and the will to survive. While it's hard to believe that people can develop affection for an abuser, trauma bonding is an example of the extremes to which a person's subconscious mind will go in order to reduce inconsistencies between their beliefs and their experiences, says Dr Tholen, phd and clinical psychologist. Let's talk about the definition of bonding. When we think of bonding, we might think of something tightly knit together, such as adhesive that glues two surfaces together In a relationship. We might think of a newborn baby bonding with its mother, or of the marital bond between a husband and wife. We think of bonding in a positive way, but when a trauma bond occurs, it can be damaging.

Speaker 1:

Patrick Carnes, PhD, author of the Betrayal Bond, breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, and founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, coined the term trauma bond as an addiction and trauma expert. He has done extensive research on trauma bonding and the emotional addiction involved. When looking into the past of each person in the relationship, often the abuser has had trauma and abuse in their past and they are acting in a way to manipulate and control the victim, to nurture their own poor self-esteem by creating dependence upon them by the victim. The victim has also likely experienced trauma and abuse in their past, such as through a care giver who did not meet their needs. Christy Christensen shared her memoir of her trauma of not only being kidnapped at age two and living as a fugitive for six years, but also of her incredible trauma afterwards as she described her narcissistic, sociopathic mother's abuse. Christy explained how her self-esteem was shattered and she formed trauma bonds with her abusers.

Speaker 1:

So what is a trauma bond? Garnes describes the trauma bond as a strong, dysfunctional emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, and it develops in the context of betrayal as a result of shame, danger and exploitation within an abusive relationship. For the trauma bond to persist, there must be an imbalance of power and authority between the abuser and the victim. The emotional attachment of a trauma bond is formed through a cycle of behaviors that characteristically starts with an abuser building trust and forming a strong positive relationship with the victim, followed by abusive behaviors in which the victim may feel fear and experience trauma. Then the abuser apologizes and provides intermittent positive reinforcement. The cycle repeats and the victim develops an attachment to the abuser. Trauma bonds develop most often in romantic and intimate relationships, in which the abuser is most often a male and the victim is most often a female, but not always. For ease, in our discussion, and in line with statistics, we will describe the person who has abusive behavior as the abuser, with the pronouns he and him, and the person who is bonded to the abuser as the victim, with the pronouns she her.

Speaker 1:

Trauma bonds can occur between a child and adult caregiver, in a family, in a work relationship, between friends and between a kidnapper and their hostage. These complex emotional bonds are deeply rooted physiologically, emotionally and mentally. The trauma bond itself develops out of fear and is driven by our will to survive, involving primitive parts of our nervous system that we have little or no control over. Our brain and the rest of our nervous system sense danger and we know that we could die. Statistics support this fact, and the most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when she leaves an abusive situation. This very real fear adds to the trauma bond. The science of how this trauma bond is actually created is fascinating and, as I did research, I learned so much about the trauma bond.

Speaker 1:

Let's look at the stages and what is happening in the brain. The first stage is love bombing. In this initial stage of positive behaviors, the abuser may frequently text, spend time and give extra attention, offer compliments, positive words of affirmation and praise, provide help or advice to benefit the victim personally and in their career, create emotional intimacy and may offer gifts, surprises, tokens of affection and other forms of flattery. When the relationship begins and the victim receives these initial positive experiences of having someone shower them with love, it feels like their hero has swept in to save the day. A skilled predator will find the victim's unmet needs and attempt to fill them. The abuser often knows of and capitalizes on these wounds, creating a high intensity connection. The abuser learns the victim's identity and needs, quickly, adopting behaviors that resonate with the victim, such as becoming involved with activities the victim enjoys and taking up the victim's hobbies. This manipulative, narcissistic mirroring strengthens the bond between the victim and the abuser. During this stage, dopamine and oxytocin are released in the brain, creating a strong attachment between the abuser and victim. The victim is actually attached to the deep unmet need that is now being met, and this can feel like a drug. The victim begins to feel that the abuser is filling a void in their life by fulfilling their neglected needs and healing wounds that they have suffered from previous trauma in their life. Everything can feel so good, and who doesn't like to feel adored? The victim starts to focus her time and energy on her partner and starts to have greater trust and to depend on their positive behaviors to strengthen her identity and to feel loved. But eventually the mask starts to come off.

Speaker 1:

The second stage is abuse. Once the abuser can tell that their victim is hooked, the abuser changes his tune. In this stage, the abuser starts with small forms of criticism. The victim believes that they must have done something wrong and they apologize, hoping to regain the happy state they had before. The abuser's behaviors increase and include such things as being critical, demeaning angry, and the abuser may criticize the victim to others in the victim's circle of influence, may alienate the victim and try to isolate them from their support system, may gaslight and otherwise portray a false reality to the victim, and he may make promises that he doesn't keep. The abuser works to control the victim, who is left feeling unhappy, confused, fearful, and they may be unconsciously triggered because of trauma they have experienced earlier in their life. In addition, the victim starts to doubt their own reality and they don't trust themselves or their memory, which results in them becoming more dependent on the abuser. The third stage is intermittent positive reinforcement. The victim may start to pull back and disengage with the abuser after the abuse, and the abuser follows up with positive behaviors, including such things as apologies, acknowledging their guilt, promising to change, kindness, gifts, affection and additional love, bombing behaviors. However, the behaviors are not consistent. At the drop of a hat, the abuser's mood may change and the victim is left confused and bewildered, wondering what happened. Lundy Bancroft explains this baffling paradox in her book. Why Does he Do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, she explains the abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing.

Speaker 1:

He can be a different person from day to day or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating. His tone harsh insult spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he's in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive, and so many have said he just can't seem to do anything right. At other times he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him.

Speaker 1:

When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard. His hard exterior softens and he may take on the quality of a hurt child difficult and frustrating, but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn't quite right. If the victim vocalizes her displeasure and identifies behaviors she does not like, the abuser gaslights her, denies any ill intent and eventually denies the behaviors at all and communicates in subtle or blatant ways that if she would just do things differently, there wouldn't be a problem.

Speaker 1:

In psychology, reinforcement of behaviors has been studied. There can be positive reinforcements, such as a reward as a result of behavior, or a negative. Reinforcement could be something unpleasant that is removed as a result of a behavior. Intermittent reinforcement occurs only on some occasions with a certain behavior, but not on other occasions. In BF Skinner's experiments a rat would be fed every time it pressed a lever. The rat's gradually tired of interest with this continuous reinforcement. Then the researchers changed the situation so that when the lever was pressed, the rat would only be rewarded with food. In an unpredictable pattern. When the rat pressed the lever, sometimes he got food and sometimes he didn't. It was thought that the rats would give up. But because the rewards were given randomly and the rats couldn't predict when they'd get the reward, the rats became obsessed with pressing the lever, even neglecting their own hygiene and other needs. The surprising result was that the rat kept pressing the lever in hopes that this time the reward would be given afterwards.

Speaker 1:

In a relationship you keep repeating the behavior with more interest and more energy, with a certain degree of expectation and anxiety. It can cause addictions and emotional dependency. To visualize this, think of the gambler who sits in front of the slot machine, feeding it with quarters for hours on end, only receiving intermittent payouts. The gambler continues feeding quarters without even leaving to eat, because this pull of the handle might just be the time they hit the jackpot. This intermittent reinforcement strengthens the trauma bond so that the victim becomes obsessed with obtaining the reward of positive reinforcement in the form of positive behaviors from the abuser and the resulting feel-good hormones. The victim becomes anxious, confused and starved of positive reinforcement, and this feels somewhat familiar to a previous time of trauma in their life. They feel lucky to receive any crumb of attention and the victim associates the dopamine hits and relief from their anxiety with their abuser.

Speaker 1:

The fourth stage is cognitive dissonance. The victim experiences cognitive dissonance in which she has two beliefs that conflict with each other. She has seen the initial love-bombing behaviors of the abuser and she believes this is the authentic version of the person, but she has also experienced the pain of his abusive behaviors. On the one hand, she dislikes the unhealthy relationship and abuse, but on the other hand, she believes he is not really abusive and he loves her and he acts poorly because he is afraid of losing her or some other excuse or other form of rationalization. As she experiences the abuse, she feels scared and re-traumatized In her fear. She becomes dependent on her partner. In addition, in the face of the abuse, her primal fear of abandonment is triggered. A baby is helpless and when it doesn't feel safe it turns to its main caregiver usually its mother. Independence for survival in a scary world. We are hard-wired to turn to our caregiver for protection and we follow this same pattern even when the caregiver is the one who is abusing us.

Speaker 1:

The victim bonds with her partner, who is often perceived in a position of authority, influence or power and she believes has the ability to provide security, safety and love. Her trauma bond is further strengthened as she remembers the feelings of safety, security and love that she initially felt from her partner in the beginning and she longs for the soothing reassurance of the dopamine and oxytocin hormones that were previously released in the brain during the love bombing and positive reinforcement. She desires to feel these feel-good emotions again and takes responsibility for receiving the positive reinforcement from her abuser. She tirelessly works to figure out how to act and then does whatever is needed to keep the peace, to return to the happy state from the beginning. When one strategy doesn't work, she tries again and again. However, with the intermittent reinforcement and inconsistent abusive behaviors, she never knows if her action will get the desired reward she seeks.

Speaker 1:

She becomes more anxious, more obsessed and more emotionally dependent on her abuser, while also increasing hope that this time she will get it right and regain her happiness and security. She hears her abuser promise again and again to change, yet she sees in his actions that he isn't changing as promised. She feels more discomfort each time she is abused, yet she believes her abuser really is a good guy. Underneath all the abuse, there has to be a good reason for his abusive behavior. The problem with her cognitive dissonance is that both contradictory beliefs can't be true. In order to make sense of these two conflicting beliefs, she begins to excuse the abuser. As her discomfort escalates, she rationalizes and denies his abuse. He blames her and normalizes his abusive behavior, and she additionally blames herself. Such rationalizations might sound like he lost his temper because he's under a lot of stress at work. I know it may seem like he's controlling, but he's just feeling worried about our relationship. He's only critical of me because he was raised in a critical environment. He doesn't want me to discuss our relationship with my friends and family because he's worried they will judge him. In addition to denying and rationalizing his abuse to herself, she may lie and cover up for his abuse to others. She may find herself full of shame and isolating to hide the truth from others, and she may stop talking to others about her relationship.

Speaker 1:

The fifth stage is emotional addiction. As the cycle repeats from abuse to positive behaviors, the victim is left off balance, confused, and she begins to feel helpless because each time she tries to bring up any complaint, he either denies he is at fault, blames her or apologizes with promises to change, but then he doesn't change. She tries setting boundaries, but he increases his abuse, which further triggers her. She thinks of leaving, but she fully believes that the person she initially interacted with is the authentic version of her partner and he will return. She longs for the love bombing which she received in the beginning. In addition, her partner sprinkles love bombing behaviors upon her intermittently and the dopamine rush feels like a drip of cocaine and she wants more. Another factor is that the abuser often plays on the sympathy of the victim and reminds her of all he has done to help her. The abuser will continue to shower the victim with gifts and favors to continue her indebtedness. She feels guilty for thinking of leaving him after all his help. He also portrays himself as the victim to garner sympathy and will share details of his personal life to validate his role as the victim. She may feel sorry for her partner and she may feel additional guilt and an obligation to stay and help him. Furthermore, if she has children with him, she may feel that staying is the best thing for the children.

Speaker 1:

Karn states that she begins to become obsessed with trying to solve this puzzle, which further strengthens her trauma bond. She constantly ponders the relationship and tries to understand her partner. She thinks she is to blame for not being a better partner, not communicating better and not dealing with his issues better. She thinks that if she can just stay the right thing to him at the right time in the right way, then he will see what he is blind to and he will understand how she feels. She believes she can accomplish her goal, which may be subconscious, to basically change him from an abuser to a non-abuser. She truly believes that he is a good, loving person underneath his abusive behaviors and she will justify this view by saying just look at how he behaved in the beginning and look at all the good he has done, and she will rationalize his abuse. She believes he is just lacking understanding and needs better treatment from her. He becomes the center of her world and she doesn't feel like she can cope without him. He has also portrayed himself as irreplaceable by meeting her deep unmet emotional needs.

Speaker 1:

Karn states that there is an element of fantasy in the abuse cycle. The abuser convinces her that their relationship is unique and special. She believes the fantasy that they are soulmates, based on his narcissistic mirroring in the beginning of the relationship. She believes in the fantasy he creates a future happiness based on all the false promises he has made, such as saying he will go to therapy, he will learn to control his temper, he will do whatever she has asked of him, but then he doesn't. With the repetition of false promises he triggers her hope for a healthy, happy, special relationship with a soulmate who totally understands and adores her.

Speaker 1:

The abuser uses the false promises to confuse the victim or to shame or scare or guilt her into staying. How can a victim leave her partner when he is confessing his fault and promising to get professional help and do what she asks? Because she so desperately wants to believe that he is who she thinks he is, she gives him another chance and further justifies staying with him and normalizing the abuse, all in the hope that one day in the future, things will return to the happy state she once experienced. She also feels uncertain when these promises are made because, even though he has broken promises before, what if he does fulfill his promises this time? She doesn't want to miss out on him returning to the wonderful man she thinks he is. Furthermore, she may not feel secure about leaving because he may have provided significant help and emotional or financial support in her life. Just like the rat, she is emotionally dependent on him for her sense of well-being and she is addicted to not only the reward of his positive reinforcement in whatever positive behavior he offers, but also to the hope of the reward of his positive reinforcement. As Christy describes, the victim's self-esteem is shattered and she is just grateful for whatever attention she gets.

Speaker 1:

Often the abuser tells the woman no one else would want her or love her like he does, and she may believe these lies. Additionally, the woman may fear for her physical safety and that of her children. She may fear retaliation if she leaves because she has previously experienced his abusive behavior and angry outbursts and she likely has been told she can't make it without him. Plus, he may have threatened her. He may have also threatened to reveal her secrets or threatened her with blackmail or with other retaliation if she leaves. It's important to understand that the abuse is subtle in the beginning and the positive reinforcement doesn't end all at once being replaced 100% with abuse. It is the subtlety and gradual increasing of the abuse, along with the initial continuous, intense love bombing followed by intermittent reinforcement, that creates a strong trauma bond of emotional dependency and emotional addiction to the abuser.

Speaker 1:

Trauma bonds also have an element of abuse of power. Stanley Milgram, a psychologist, coined the term authority bias, in which it is ingrained in us to obey authority figures. The abuse can occur with an imbalance of power of a male over a female or of a person with religious authority. The abuser may say that their relationship is blessed by God or deeply spiritual in nature, and she may feel confused. An imbalance of power may also exist with a person who is older and more experienced or more advanced in their career. A woman who is already vulnerable because of her previous trauma is more emotionally fragile and once she is bonded to her male mentor, she won't risk losing his support or love or career advancement, so she will continue the relationship. The victim often has low self-esteem as a result of their childhood abuse.

Speaker 1:

The victim may experience transference, which is a term to describe the phenomenon in which an individual redirects feelings, desires and expectations of one person onto another person. This deep, intense and often unconscious feeling can happen, for example, when someone looks on another person as an idealized father figure and they are viewed as powerful, wise and authoritative. There may be an expectation of love, protection and advice from this person. Maternal transference can occur when an individual seeks out a mother figure and views another person as loving, nurturing and comforting. While the American Psychological Association defines transference as a projection of one's unconscious feelings onto their therapist, these deep, intense and unconscious feelings don't just happen in therapy and their projection usually stems from childhood relationships which were lacking in love. The interesting thing is that these emotions that one feels with transference on another are not based on the actual current relationship, but are unconscious and happen as one seeks to repeat an old relationship, feel loved and obtain healing from a childhood wound. A victim often feels great shame about their abusive relationship and she will usually isolate to protect her abuser and to deal with the shame while she blames herself.

Speaker 1:

Signs that you may be in a trauma bond include when you are unable to leave an unhealthy relationship when you trust someone again and again when they have proven to be unreliable. When you continue to seek contact with a person whom you know will further cause you pain. When you are loyal to someone who has betrayed you. When you persist in trying to convince someone that there is a problem, yet they won't listen. When you want to be understood by someone who clearly does not care. When you lie and cover up for your partner's abusive behaviors.

Speaker 1:

And the anecdote to a trauma bond is to separate. Garn says that in a trauma bond, the victim becomes acclimated to the abuse, just as a person becomes acclimated to a foul odor in a room. If you stay in the room long enough, eventually you won't notice the odor. It is only when you leave the room, get fresh air and regain your awareness, your senses and your full faculties that you will detect the foul odor should you return to the room. However, it is much easier said than done when trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Speaker 1:

Most victims suffer from damaged self-esteem from the abuse and they often lack resources to enable them emotionally, physically and financially to leave. In order to separate from the abuser, a victim needs incredible support from loved ones who are non-judgmental, able to listen, allow the victim to gain awareness, provide help to separate when the victim is ready and patiently offer understanding for the victim, regardless of the stage the victim is in. Statistically, on average, victims experience 50 incidents of abuse before they get effective help. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for the victim, because this is when a woman or her children are most likely to experience violence and are more likely to be murdered in the weeks after leaving. Also, 85% of women who leave an abusive relationship return, and an abused woman may leave her abuser seven times before she leaves permanently. Most women return due to financial reasons. Keeping an open line of non-judgmental communication with the victim is vital for her to have a lifeline to talk to and to help her escape her abuse. If you are experiencing domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

Speaker 1:

Breaking a trauma bond can take time and can be very hard, but it is possible. If you were trying to break a trauma bond, you can start by acknowledging the present Instead of hoping that a person will change, or looking at them in the way they were when you first met them. Acknowledge what is currently happening and reflect on it. Look at the evidence. Look at their actions, not their words, and abuser will often make promises to change and profess their love. But you should focus on their actions. Practice self-care and positive self-talk.

Speaker 1:

Trauma bonds can negatively impact a person's self-esteem and break down one's confidence. By building yourself up and taking care of yourself, you are taking steps to break the trauma bond. Create a safety plan and have a backpack with yours and your children's clothes, important documents and money stored at a friend's home. Create space and set boundaries. Have no contact with the abuser. Find support and seek out a women's shelter if it is safe to do so. Just as Christy was able to educate herself, it is possible to get help and to break the trauma bond and leave. Christy Christensen is an amazing example of doing this and she gives hope to other women to seek help to do the same. Thank you for watching.

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